How To: Difficult dialogue
It’s important that students know that they will encounter uncomfortable ideas in college because that’s part of what college is for. We learn and grow when we interact with people different from us and when we encounter ideas that challenge our assumptions and what we think we know. And they need to know that you want to set up a space where we can question ideas and assumptions in respectful and thoughtful ways.
The best way to set the stage for difficult dialogue is by establishing community agreements from the first days of class. Some common agreements for laying a foundation for difficult dialogue are:
- We will make “I” statements, as in “I think,” “I believe,” and importantly, “I heard you say” rather than, “Well, you said….” Because what we hear may not be what the speaker intended and it’s important for the speaker to know the impact of their words. Making “I statements” also means we will not ask people to speak on behalf of or to represent an entire group, such as all people from a particular racial, ethnic or religious group or experiential background (like people from rural communities).
- Recognize intent, acknowledge impact. Because our intention may have been benign but the impact may have been hurtful, offensive, or erasing of another’s experience.
- Practice active listening. Meaning, really listen to what is – and is not – being said rather than thinking about what you’ll say in response.
- One mic, meaning only one person is speaking at a time and we will let them finish before someone else begins.
- Criticize ideas, not people. It’s not about the person, it’s about what was said.
- Make no assumptions. We do; it’s human nature. But try not to, because assumptions are often wrong.
- Cultivate a brave space. We cannot promise students safety from unintended hurtful remarks, offensive images, painful history, but we can agree that we will be brave, even though it’s uncomfortable, together. That’s where learning happens.
It’s important at least to discuss community agreements with your students, rather than imposing them, and invite them to change, add or remove. And it’s even more important to be sure everyone truly agrees to them all. Community agreements are an agreement of how we, as a community of learners, agree to be together. They should be periodically revisited and updated as needed. With everyone’s agreements.
Some things to anticipate in discussions about difficult topics:
- Critique fatigue: students grow weary or even intolerant of discussion about history and theory and want to learn about practical tools for change.
- Experience parasitism and cultural stripmining: students (and faculty) from the dominant group expect a small subset of students to speak for their identity group; when that subset isn’t present, the topic is not engaged (the “host” is absent). Also the behavior absolves the dominant group of vulnerability; only the subset is placed in a vulnerable position.
- Hostile solidarity: this can manifest when some students with the same ideas, for example about the origins or implications of the war in the Middle East, band together against a student or group of students with differing views. One group of students unites – a type of “belonging” – and even derives pleasure from deriding or excluding another student or group of students who dissent from what they see as their common sense of what has emerged in the class. One way to prevent its emergence is to build understanding and group solidarities that are anchored in collaboration and the understanding and appreciation of differences as opportunities for learning.
- Idle talk: when words are used reflexively, become flattened and conventional and are spoken or written without attention to what they really mean. Question students’ meaning to break up “idle talk.”
These are terms drawn from the Difficult Dialogues project from the Center for Engaged Pedagogy at Barnard.
How to bring down the temperature
Remember: you can always suggest a break if you want time to gather your thoughts.
Some simple methods to employ when a student says something potentially offensive, awkward or, in your view, wrong:
- Question with genuine curiosity:
- “I’m curious why you think that?”
- “I wonder if you can point to some sources for that assertion?”
- Rephrase the statements from an “I” perspective:
- “What I heard you saying was …. Is that what you meant?”
- “When I hear these words, I think the person means [paraphrase statement]. Is that what you meant?”
- Inquire about the speaker’s intention:
- “What were you thinking would be the effect of what you just said?”
- “I’m curious, what were you trying to say, and why?”
An effective de-escalation method:
- Summarize what transpired as neutrally as possible.
- Ask students to write a reflection about how they were feeling during the discussion to help them process and self-regulate.
- Next, ask the class about what could have gone differently during the discussion. This shifts the focus to the nature of the discussion rather than what was said and can lead to better ways forward.
- Review community agreements and re-affirm that students agree
Another de-escalation method:
- Ask students to re-frame each other’s statement using “I” language
- Ask students to write one strength of each statement they heard, even if they’re contradictory.
- Ask students to write a self reflection about how they were feeling intellectually, emotionally and physically during the exchange to redirect their energy. Thinking about their physical and emotional reactions is a metacognitive practice and can also reduce stress.
- Next, ask students how the conversation can continue more productively, focusing on the nature of the interactions rather than the words that were said. For example, was everyone respectful of the community agreements and of each other’s time and not monopolizing the conversation or using words as weapons rather than as means for making a case for their point of view?
If you feel overwhelmed and unable to address the situation in the moment, acknowledge the moment and say you want time to think about how to address it and you’ll come back to it in the next class. Just be sure to do so.
Learn more about having difficult conversations from these resources.